Last month, I was in charge of a kids’ dance routine. Two spocs (me and X for our team) had to coordinate with the executive board. To cut the long story short : X had previously been rude to the board. At the general meeting, which X evaded cleverly, the disgruntled board members publicly bullied me for X’s behaviour (I had no clue!) and called me a ‘scapegoat’. While humiliating me and threatening to cancel my program, they were partial to their favourites. I tried to reason with them. It all fell on deaf years. The next day, when I confronted X for putting me through such an ordeal, she acted defensive and walked away. My team thought, this was between X and me and they shouldn’t interfere. Meanwhile I was coaching their children for months, even in their absence. This whole thing made me mad. No wonder, relationships are hard.
What is more important?
Not one person looked like they really cared about the children or their dance. There was a lot of disruptions during the final practise and the children could sense the overall agitation. Children are very intuitive and even if they do not know what exactly the issue is, they will surely know normal from abnormal behaviours. In the end, this episode became fodder for gossip. Everyone had an opinion. Many wanted to hear the story from me. Many took sides between me and the board. All of these, were unnecessary. We were preparing for a happy occasion. We could have avoided this drama for the sake of the children.
What makes us care less about others?
Neither X, nor the board felt guilt or shame for their outrageous behaviours. They thought they could just treat someone like this publicly and walk around as if nothing happened. I was not familiar with most of the board members. They did not know me as a person, yet they had such demeaning things to say to my face. All because I was associated with an difficult person. In my defence, I did not know X well too. I had met her only on a couple of occasions and when she approached me for the team dance, I only took it up for the children. I had no knowledge of the previous dynamics within and outside the board. This is exactly the reason why you should choose your company carefully. You will be judged and stereotyped based on your company.
Why relationships are hard today?
Thinking only of individual needs
Most people operate only purely from their ego. Their morality is dormant. They will go to any extent to make themselves look and feel good. In the process they do not care about the others involved. But that is a short route to get what you want, not to build a lasting relationship.
Refusing to admit to a mistake
Even when people make a mistake, they somehow think its easier to pretend it never happened, instead of owning up to it and apologizing. Relationships are hard as it is. If you keep sweeping your issues under the rug, they are will only accumulate and come back to hit you someday.
” People will never forget the way you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou
Not looking at the bigger picture
Picking at unwanted nitty-gritties are the reason relationships are hard. Look at the big picture and don’t fight every fight. It is unnecessary, time-consuming and draining. Learn to pick your battles.
Not caring about the little things
Sometimes just the big picture is not enough. It has to be fuelled by paying attention to little things. Sometimes, a small deed done at the right time, would become a big boost for the relationship itself. That’s how relationships are built over time.
Being intolerant and indifferent
Patience and tolerance are on a rapid decline. Even when the door bell rings, I have to get it in under 20 secs, otherwise people leave. We love talking more than listening to others. This constant focus on ‘I, me, mine’ has given birth to a lot of insensitivity and indifference in relationships. Learning to be a bit more tolerant will do wonders for our relationships.
No sense of society
People by and large think, ‘as long as it doesn’t hurt me, it doesn’t matter’. This is a very narrow-minded approach. Society is all of us. When you rise your voice where it matters, where it is needed by someone, that where your true power lies. But sadly not many get this.
None of us can survive on our merits alone. We are deeply interconnected whether we acknowledge it or not.
What needs to change?
- The world is full of all kinds of people with varying ratios of good and not-so-good. This is why relationships are hard. We don’t know who we are dealing with. If you are with good people, you will learn and grow. If you are with people who pull you down, your life will become miserable with unwanted mental clutter.
- Having said that, you can cultivate your control even when things do not seem to align. It is a life long conscious process though.
- When there is an unfair treatment, call it out.
- Don’t wait for closure. In my case, waiting for an apology from the board or X is a waste of time. Sometimes there is closure. Sometimes there isn’t. Either way, move on to better experiences.
- Value your own work. Focus more on people who appreciate the value you bring to the table.
- Not all people are for you, just like you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Make peace with it and scout your tribe.
- Don’t ruminate on negative things for long. What has happened has happened. Make sure what is yet to happen is worthwhile.
How to have great relationships?
- Be open and kind – Everyone is looking for a safe space
- Become good at communication. In addition to the obvious things, learn to understand what is not being taken care in a relationship.
- Be vulnerable and authentic. Be less protective of your emotions. You don’t need to have it together all the time.
- Respect everyone irrespective of age. Seniority does not give you a ticket to unfairness.
- Listen actively – Sometimes our presence can do more good than our actions can.
- Share your wisdom – The point of accumulating knowledge is to share it. Share and learn from others.
- Be patient. It is human to err. Forgive yourself first.
- Offer help and accept help with grace.
- Practice mindfulness. It helps in a lot of areas in life.
Conclusion
We are all busy studying, working, raising children, chasing our dreams but we have to remember that every single one of us are going through a journey of ups and downs. For a single person to survive, there is a need for a whole range of relations namely – family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, classmates, associates etc. Yes, relationships are hard but we are social creatures. We are meant to be in thriving relationships. Kindness and respect towards each other is much needed now more than ever. Especially when there seems to be a mad rush for everything these days. How to identify our good relationships? Good relationships bring harmony and keep us grounded. But on our part, we should be willing to put in the time and effort required to nurture them. Good relationships are a two-way street.
