Active Listening – How to Communicate Better

This ongoing pandemic has created panic and fear among all of us. Being cooped up at home is boring and frustrating. When the first wave hit us all last year, I saw so many people taking up new hobbies, reading new books or trying new recipes. No one had this much time to spend at home before. It was an opportunity to catch up with things we loved but never really had the time for. Surviving in the pandemic for more than a year has been very challenging. Now I can see a lot of people who have stopped trying to be productive. Different rooms in a house are occupied by different members of the family – each one glued to their phones. There is no more active listening and literally nothing to talk about, other than the covid status of the day and some random headlines from the news.

No real conversations

When things were normal, father would come back from office and excitedly tell about his day. Mother would regale us with stories about her office or relatives. Children would share animated stories about school, football or friends. These were actual conversations with proper family time during meals or evening time. Back then, we were busy complaining that since everyone were busy with their own thing, no one had the time for the rest of the family. In some ways it was even true.

But now even after the pandemic and lockdown, even when we are all sitting at home, do we really notice and are active in listening to the rest of the family? Talking what we genuinely feel about things and active listening are becoming rarer. We cared for a short while before Netflix, Prime, Hotstar and social media became our full time companions. This is happening at my house too. And it makes me wonder how all of our lives have changed because of our smartphones.

Smart phones

The smartphone is here to stay and we all have to make peace with it. It is after all an instrument. Like Solomon Pappaiya in a recent Tamil Pattimandram (detate show) said, ‘Why do you think, the early man started using stones? He could have thrown it at some wild animal to protect himself. He could have thrown it to pluck fruits from a tree. If you throw the same stone at a fellow human being over a disagreement, is it the stone’s fault?’ It made me think.

In the same vein, our smartphones are just devices that make our lives easy. Why blame it when we are the ones who should be taking control over our lives?

How to know if you are active in listening?

The word communication has been reduced to mean something about technology now. 4G or 5G is seen as the only ways of communication by many young people. I see a lot of people trying to talk more than they listen. By listen I mean active listening.

Here is a simple test.

• Do you have very short attention span when someone is talking to you?
• Normally do you look at your phone and reply? Do you avoid making eye contact?
• Do you interrupt conversations often not allowing the other person to fully say what they were trying to say?

Then take note. You need to develop your active listening skills.

You talk about your joys and sorrows (both personal and professional ) with your friends. Do they have all the answers to your problems? No! Then why do you feel so much better after telling them your problems which they are never going to solve for you. It is because they give you their full attention and are good at active listening while you speak, that makes you feel loved and cared for.

There is no better gift than giving your undivided attention to a person because you are gifting them your time. It is much more valuable than anything else.

Talk but also listen

Many people suffer from depression and the number is alarmingly increasing with changing times. We have professional experts who can talk a lot on this topic. But when I think about it, a psychiatrist helps a person deal with his mental illness but what does the psychiatrist actually do first?

Such professionals are involved in active listening.

They listen to both what is said and unsaid. They reassure people and alleviate their fears.

You must have a space where you can talk about things that are bothering you. You must have people who you can openly talk to. And you must be the person someone else can openly talk to. This is important for everybody irrespective of their achievements or social profile.

Losing human connect

It is easy to get lost in life when there are so many things to do, places to go, sights to see and work to be done.  And before you know it, the years have flown by and the people you once strongly connected with or implicitly trusted no longer exist near you. Too much time has passed to reconnect with them or they themselves must have forgotten you by now.

Most times by sheer folly you allow the regular things in your life to overpower the special gifts of life – like good friends, your own interests and happiness, sharing and caring.

We all have an innate need to be heard.

No matter what our status, work, bank balance or lifestyle is, we are all more alike than we ever care to acknowledge.

Practical ways of active listening

You never know which of your friends or family is actually craving for a sympathetic ear to their burden. The most practical way we can help others is by actually checking on them periodically and showing them in some small way that we care about them and their lives. That they are not alone and they never will be. That they can trust you to stand by them no matter what and they always have a shoulder to cry on if need be.

But how do we actually do it. By actively listening, taking the time to communicate and connect.

Here are some practical ways of active istening

• Maintain eye contact
• Nod your head or reply appropriately
• Listen to understand not to reply
• Don’t judge
• Ask questions that matter
• Look out for non-verbal cues
• Allow for pauses in the conversation
• Provide honest feedback if asked
• Effectively paraphrase

Active listening is powerful

Your assurance could be the reason that someone decided to go on and not give up. Your presence could be the reason for someone’s confidence. It is important to be educated, find a suitable job, marry and have children and tick all your life’s boxes that you have made for yourself. But you can never achieve all of that alone. You need a strong support system to carry you through the high tides of life’s challenges.

So practice active listening and being open to others, even if they do not ask for it. Show them that you care. And you are there to offer whatever little help you can do to make their lives better. It is easier now to practice active listening for a few minutes than to regret over the loss of a loved one forever.