Esther Perel, the well known relationship expert popularised the concept of ‘romantic consumerism’ but the idea has been around for several years. Romantic consumerism brings the idea of romance and consumerism together. The more experiences you have in life, you believe, the happier you will be. These experiences could be material or physical. But even after relentless buying spree, tracking social media everyday, using dating apps, travelling to the remotest corners of the world in a bid to make that one viral reel, are you really fulfilled? If the answer is no, then it is time to understand the hidden danger of romantic consumerism – how it affects us and why? This consumer behaviour has redefined not just our lives (in terms of shopping, relationships and travel) but entire economies and societies. Before we delve into that, lets look at some of our basics.
Need Vs Want
Romantic consumerism is not bothered about your needs. It is only interested in your wants, in your deeply held wishes and desires. There is a clear boundary for our needs. But the fuzzy boundary lines in our wants, remain always fuzzy. In addition to that they can even keep expanding based on our growing lifestyle, constant comparisons, social reference points because we are all social creatures. We have to know others business first to decide what our business should be.
Social validation
Every important milestone that we hold onto in our society be it a good education, a good job, a great wedding, amazing partners and children, those big houses, cars, gadgets we constantly update are all tied to social validation. If there were no people to see us and judge us, would be really behave the same way? The need for belonging and acceptance is a basic human need. When communities were small, this validation was limited. Today we are waiting to engage in the next adventure worth mentioning. Many people today have this notion that if it isn’t on socials, it did not really happen. Social validation has become integral to our identity. The number of followers, likes and comments is tied to self-worth in extreme cases. Instead of quality, now you are trying to quantify your experiences.
Social proof
Social proof is the proof we look for with others before following their decision. How many times have we depended on the review of others before jumping in the experience ourselves. It almost feels natural. Would we dare watch a movie in theatre without reading its review? That too not just one, hundreds of reviews. Probably not! If this happens occasionally then its fine. But what with my increasing irrational consumption, yet another danger of romantic consumerism, I’m constantly looking for social proof for the next big thing? Just because something is popular, does that also mean it is accurate?
FOMO and YOLO
There are two important concepts that drive this danger of romantic consumerism even higher – FOMO and YOLO
FOMO – Fear of missing out
The massive outpour of love for Coldplay in India was a genuine surprise. Especially when I came across many people who did not know Coldplay (not the huge crazy fans) but were there because their friends were going or because it appeared ‘cool’. Being open-mined is one thing but projecting it as a particular persona opens a whole new debate.
YOLO – You only live once
The ‘I, Me, Mine’ culture got a big boost with this kind of consumer behaviour. The entire focus of all these experiences are on the self and seldom on others. This has already slowly started eroding the meaning of family and community.
Now lets see how all these concepts together are part of romantic consumerism.
Danger of romantic consumerism #1 Non-stop Buying
Big corporations launch products all year long, playing with demand and supply, pricing, promotion or placement all the while monitoring what you buy, when , how and why? They use unimaginable levels of data about you to create a profile of you and your buying behaviour. AI and other data analytic tools of course, are not cheap. So companies have to invest more in such tech to know more about you and your preferences before making you buy more of things that you don’t really need.
Here are some psychological tricks that companies use to ensure you will continue to buy more :
- Celebrity endorsements
- Ease of access to a product – what is within your reach, you will inevitably reach
- Discounted pricing on products (displaying before and after price of the product)
- Bundling products ( eg: McDonalds meal box)
- Product EMI option – Buy now pay later (even when you cannot afford it now!)
- Discount for first purchases after registration (That’s basically bait for getting your personal details)
- Customisation
- Catering to specific groups (students, senior citizens etc)
- Creating emotional connections between the consumer and the brand
- False scarcity (Last 3 items left in stock)
- Upselling and cross selling
- Creating loyalty programs because repeat customers bring in more business
- Purchase history and suggesting future purchases
- Social proof (positive ratings)
- Free Sample
- Money back guarantee to ensure you buy the product
Another trick is to send constant messages through mails or SMS or other social media notifications as a reminder to not forget the brand. These could be birthday wishes, personal offers or a Big Sale. The idea is to not let go of a valuable and potential customer.
For the consumer, ‘to buy or not to buy’ is no more the question. ‘When to buy and what to buy’ has become the ultimate question.
Danger of romantic consumerism #2 Travel Mania
There has been a surge of travel vloggers in social media. Here are some video styles you must have come across while scrolling
- Hidden gem in a remote place
- Places for best photo shoots
- Travelling to visit maximum number of countries around the world
- Couple trip coverage
- Deals on best hotels
- Deals on best travel packages
- Best honeymoon destination reels and family destination reels
- Exotic food videos
- Cruises, Treks along scenic places
- Adventure sports in gorgeous locales
These are some examples of how the travel boom has influenced a lot of us in ways which are both bold and subtle. Vacations are a must and there is no debate there. But planning the next vacation immediately at the end of one vacation, creating a vacation cycle throughout the year, not budgeting your expenses, trying to live like what is portrayed on social media which is unrealistic in most cases, these are the real issues. Such issues span the physical, mental and psychological domains. Again FOMO and YOLO are big time players in fanning the danger of romantic consumerism. If you are living on the egde all the time, where is the time to re-live those memories and rejoice in them with friends and families?
Danger of romantic consumerism #3 Relationships
People are really concerned with two important concepts today – ‘autonomy’ and ‘choices’. Autonomy is the freedom to choose and choices are the actual number of options available before you, while you are trying to circle on one. Though people were always concerned with these concepts throughout different times and ages of humanity, it has come to the fore now, because of the sheer number of mind-boggling choices available for relationships. Choosing a partner has never been more accessible yet at the same time more complex.
With anonymity, far from the prying eyes of our community and the rumour mills of our society, we could meet potential partners. But cases of fake profiles, lies, deception, cheating, affairs and mishaps made us question our own sanity. The boom in the number of dating sites did not help either. Privacy and anonymity came at a price.
Emotional Drain
The space to make unique choices has been a game changer for all of us. It has both been good and bad. It is good to have choices but it is a fact that having too many choices can cause confusion and cognitive dissonance. The constant worry about what we have missed, what is worth and ‘this or that’ options has taken a serious toll on people. The decision fatigue is real. You can go to the ends of earth in search of the best partner, but you will always be disappointed to know that even the best of people have their limitations.
Our imperfections do not make us just unique and beautiful, it is what makes us human.
Quest for happiness or meaning?
And until the quest for happiness is also accompanied by the quest for meaning, purpose and fulfilment through your choices, your life will have multiple experiences, but you will find it hard to revel in the greatness of life, in all its glory and the myriad of human emotions. Shallow or trivial pursuits should not outweigh the deep moments in life. Instant gratification is the biggest culprit driving romantic consumerism. The quest for happiness keeps getting larger and larger with every choice we make. But we can overthrow this superficiality if we hit pause for a while and make few positive changes.
One way to go about it is to be aware of your behavioural patterns and incorporate mindfulness in your decisions. Practice periodic digital detox. Go for fewer meaningful experiences instead of large number of casual ones. Reduce unnecessary comparisons. Do what is meaningful to you and find joy. Take action if you really want to change.
The most dangerous prison is the one where you cannot see the handcuffs!
