I was watching an interview by Dr. Anita Philips on the Oprah show. I love the Oprah show. Maya Angelou and Oprah were my earliest role models for women empowerment. The guest of the day, Dr. Anita, a scientist who successfully stood at the intersection of science and religion explained a lot of scientific things using examples from the Holy Scripture. While science and religion are usually seen as opposing entities, with one domain unable to answer the queries raised by the other, this was rather interesting. The episode in particular, beautifully showed how she focused on the power of healing. I did not realise I was stuck doing certain things repetitively based on past experiences until she helped me put it in perspective.
A bit of my story
My mother passed away when my second child was just nine months old. To say, ‘I was devastated’ is an understatement. In a society like India, you practically cannot navigate even the kitchen efficiently without your mother. So physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, I felt a big void. Nothing could fill it and nothing could make it go away. Incidentally, my mother had earlier used similar expressions when she spoke of my grandfather’s passing.
I’m the eldest of two daughters. Always the good kid at home, scored good marks, secured college admissions on merit, a campus recruit for an MNC, best performer recognition at work, got married early, had two children… in essence, I was the model child in my home and our culture that even my aunts and uncles wanted their own children to be more like me. My sibling was very different from me. She rejected most social norms, even from a young age. She would always take the hardest route to things and it would bewilder all of us.
Not happy with her degree, after college she turned down her campus job offer and spent nearly a decade trying for Govt exams(it was not easy!) and refused to get married. After much persuasion from all of us (not sure if we should have done it though), she finally got married. She is in a good job now and things are much settled. I’m happy for her.
Being unseen
Now Anita said in that interview about a story of the prodigal son. On how a child who had squandered money and returned home. The father welcomed the prodigal son, but the good son was ignored completely. In her own words – ‘Being unseen is the worst form of punishment.’ Something struck me. I had a great childhood and was raised by loving parents. They really did everything they could and even beyond to ensure we had an amazing foundation and I’m always grateful for their love and support. My real emotional imbalance started as a young adult.
Since my sister was the rebel, my parents spent all their time and energy either thinking of her or helping her. I was only in two buckets in my early adult stage. If I did something good, they were proud. Otherwise I was an afterthought. My sister spent ten years trying to get that Govt job. During that period, my sister’s availability decided every single family occasion. She never had time for me. And even our personalities were so different. The things that seemed trivial to me were important to her and things that she payed the least attention to, were important to me. Till date, the hardest relationship I ever had has been the one with my sister. I longed for her love and attention. But I was technically ‘unseen’ on both sides.
Same situation – two very different reactions
So during this decade, I started on a new job, married and had children with no real emotional connect with my sister. I was busy with my own things. My sister was frustrated about her exams and job. Then suddenly mom passed away. Within the family, I was in a position at which I had no experience or expertise. Imagine, suddenly if the sun goes out of the solar system. Now all the planets do not even know what to revolve around anymore. My mother was the sun and we were the disoriented planets. What we needed was a substitute sun. Not the original, but just someone who could hold the family together.
We do not realise it at all, but it is our mothers who are the central axis in many of our families. They look after all our needs and emotions. They always have our back.
So when mom left, I was battling my own demons with a little child and a baby in tow, yet trying to hold the fort strong. I could not allow myself to feel my grief completely because people needed me. To this day, I’m not sure if I ever grieved my mother the way I wanted to. Dad completely changed. My sister was not in a position to support me in any way, least of all emotionally. She completely withdrew from everything around her, living only in her head for the next three years.
Emotional roller coaster
Then covid hit and then whole new set of issues erupted. I was tied into a lot of my sister’s emotional issues – recovering from mom leaving us, marriage, job, peer pressure.. I was taken for a ride every time she became emotional. This took such a toll on me as I also had my own family to look after and I started having issues everywhere. I lived in fear and anxiety about the next thing that could go wrong. No matter how hard I worked, it was never enough.
No one seemed to be happy or normal, even years after mom passed away. I worked till my bones were tired – took care of my house and my parents house, made important decisions, juggled life across two cities all the while doubting my capacities as a mother to my own children, worrying incessantly whether I could raise them well. I just carried sorrow, self-doubt, fear, anger and worry all the time with no hope of being happy and normal again. Have you ever gotten that feeling that no one understands you? It was THAT feeling. I was drifting in my own ocean of misery, directionless and exhausted.
Kids teach us important things
The biggest wake up call came in the form of my children, five years later. One day I was sitting with them and crying as usual ( I cried a lot at that time) when the look on their faces shocked me. They looked scared and still tried to look brave. My children were trying to be strong and brave for me! They were only ten and five at that time. Their expressions completely crushed my heart. One of the hardest things to witness as a parent is to see your children trying to be strong for you.
Something shifted in that moment. A whole new thought process opened up. I am their mother. I am the one who should be strong and brave for them, who should protect them fiercely and love them deeply. But how will I be all those, when I myself was lost ,exhausted, and empty, when I did not allow myself to lean in to my genuine emotions? Researchers say, this type of behaviour and reinforcement lead to generational trauma.
Heal yourself first
I did not know where to start but I knew I had to tap into the power of healing myself. I didn’t need to hold all my pain in, I needed to let it out. It took me a while to understand why there is pain. There is no growth without pain. With great pain comes a great developmental milestone – emotionally and spiritually. But only if we allow the whole experience to pass through us. It need not define us, but it has to pass through us. But many people do the same mistakes that I did – unwillingness to accept pain, suppressing emotions to escape it, thinking not crying in public showed how strong I was, putting the needs of all around me above my own deep needs for connection, never really trying to open up to anybody assuming they won’t get me.
For at least five years, I kept repeating the same mistakes consistently. It was a circle I could not break out of. I lost faith in everything, the future did not hold any special meaning. I stopped praying to God because I was angry at Him and I preferred to be alone because anyone who saw me, started pitying me or crying and I could not take it.
Looking past my own pain
Now when I look back, it was an expression of love for my mother and not just pity as I misunderstood. My mother could light up any room she walked into. She was kind, empathetic and people really loved her. So a lot of people felt the same pain, in different ways. People resonated with her thoughts and actions and trusted her as an authentic person. It was their loss of connection to someone wonderful too. Though I had a supportive partner and wonderful children, I could not look past my own pain. It took me a while to realize what was happening to me. I did some serious introspection tapping into my own the power of healing. There is a popular quote – ‘People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.’ I decided to focus my energy inwards and I understood:
What is the power of healing and what healing is not
- Healing is not a time bound process. You will never know how much time you will need to heal
- Healing is not linear. We do not heal like a progress card. There will be times when we give in to our emotions and slip back into the dark place.
- Healing is personal. It is dependent on context and your level of sensitivity among other things. You have to own your power of healing.
- Healing is a journey. You will refuse to stay in the same place and decide to move on in a good way while acknowledging your turmoil and emotions. That is when true healing can start.
- Healing can change you – your thoughts, your perceptions of the world, your concept of self will change
Wondering where to start?
Identify your purpose
Dig deep within and find out what you really love doing, what feels natural to you and brings you joy. Your sense of purpose has a value and a place in this big beautiful world. It is what makes you, authentically you!
How to identify purpose? Your purpose will not be a fleeting need of your heart. It will be the nourishment for your soul.
Practice ‘gratitude’
When we are in the middle of a crisis, our mind is flooded with the what-ifs, hows and what nots. Gratitude helps us focus on the abundance in our own lives irrespective of the life’s situations. You can do this in different ways. You can practice mindfulness, use gratitude journals, write a gratitude letter, combine prayer and gratitude or link meditation and gratitude. Choose what feels comfortable to you and surrender to gratitude. We are more blessed than we realise.
Delegate some power of healing to your environment
Surround yourself with positive things – Good books, inspiring movies, great podcasts. Experience a positive ‘new’ everyday! I have been on a reading spree now (have to do a separate article on all the wonderful books I’m reading) and also watch podcasts for 20 mins on most days.
Develop an exercise routine
You have to feel good both in and out. Exercise is a simple yet effective way to achieve this. Plan your workouts the way you like and do it regularly. Health is fundamental to all that you do and can do in the future.
Get good sleep
Sleep can do wonders. Take time for rest and rejuvenation seriously. Your temper will become even, your skin will be healthy, your eyes and mind can get some much deserved rest. Sleep accelerates the power of healing of your body and mind.
Meet new people and have new experiences
We all have this deep need for connection. Sometimes what is missing in your family will be in abundance with friends. That is why it is essential to have a healthy social circle. Think about this – When was the last time you made a new friend? If you live in a good community, then consider participating in community events.
Connect with nature
Silently sit with nature. Nature has the greatest power of healing among all other sources. There are innumerable lessons you can imbibe in this quiet fascination. Greatest virtues are shared with such elegance in nature.
Meditate
I know this may sound cliché but meditation is one of the hardest things I had to do. I could not bear to sit alone with my negative thoughts for two mins yet had to train myself repeatedly to just watch my thoughts and not engage. It still is difficult because the mind zooms a million miles per min! But it certainly brings calmness and a strong sense of balance. It centers you and helps you tremendously during healing. It teaches you to let emotions pass through you without really affecting you seriously.
Drift towards your interests naturally
As your healing journey progresses, your activities and interests will evolve naturally. Go where you feel the most content, peaceful and fulfilled. It could be books or travel. Travelling is a wonderful way to heal as many of the things said above, happen spontaneously during travel.
Offer value
Offering value to others in small and big ways brings us happiness, peace and gratitude. It could even be something simple as sharing what you have understood or learnt. It shifts the focus from ‘me’ to ‘us’. And it is a much nicer place to be.
Use your power of healing
Healing is a very personal journey and requires a lot of patience, consistency and time. But one day, you will be able to feel wonderful, valuable and experience the world differently. Your past will still exist but it will lose the power to define you. You will open the gateway to becoming more giving, wise and kind. You will gather the courage to embrace your authenticity. The power of healing will not just touch you but all you come in contact with. You will thrive beautifully.
It has even changed my dynamics with my husband. I feel more relaxed around him. We ‘agree to disagree’ amicably. We take couple trips to help us reconnect and I’m surprised to discover new things about him even now! Just like me, my husband has also evolved beautifully over the years. Things that used to annoy both of us, no longer does. I’m enjoying our conversations more and more. We have learnt to share our new experiences with each other. We now intuitively understand where to hold each other and where to give space in our relationship. Our community contributions have improved. Overall it is a very positive and welcoming change.
How the power of healing helped me connect with my children
How you treat the child inside of you is how you will treat the child in front of you – Anita Philips
I transformed as a new mother who is more patient, loving and understanding. When I’m centered, I can handle their emotions better. I can truly listen to what they say, without letting my ever-present internal noise meddling in the conversation. I’m able to understand their actions at a deeper level. In turn, my serenity calms them. They feel less agitated and more connected. We have engaging conversations and I’m learning that my kids will be a reflection of some parts of me, but they will never be ‘me’ and I will never expect them to be an extension of my dreams and aspirations. I’m excited to see what they will do with their lives!
I have realised that my job as a parent is to love and protect them, provide them with the right environment so that they grow up to be physically and mentally strong, compassionate and resilient. I’m teaching them that treating others with kindness and respect is our greatest collective human value and that there is immense happiness in giving. I’m able to see the bigger picture without the drama of trivialities. I understand that I will be a work in progress throughout life as I evolve and own my power of healing.
